Waking up with the Inner critic

A while ago, I read somehwere, (I forget where) that type Eights wake up angry.  That makes sense, but then it would also follow that the rest of us wake up with our own vices on automatic.

Anger types

8- expressing their anger

9- denying their anger

1- repressing their anger

Shame types

2- shame of not being loved or loveable

3- shame of not being valued or valuable

4- shame of not being deep or unique enough (I actually forget what they're ashamed of off the top of my head, so I just used these adjectives- they're definitely true, but I don't know if they're the CORE sources of shame.)

Fear types

5- fear of not knowing enough

6- fear of not being prepared enough

7- fear of there not being enough to do

So a while ago, I decided I would check and see if I woke up feeling my core feeling, and it takes a while to be able to notice anything.  Of course we all wake up with that pristine, spacious  feeling, totally disconnected from the realities of our lives, and then suddenly, reality kicks in, and we remember the specifics of our upcoming day, or something that just happened the night before. 

Side story: I was, coincidentally, at an Enneagram workshop in Montreal, and one morning, before anyone else had woken up, I had to go to the bathroom.  So I made my way down the long, dark hall of our dorm in my just-woken-up stupor, and sat down on the toilet, which was facing the shower.  My eyes happened to drift onto the tiles all squarely and tightly aligned on the shower wall, and I heard this little inner voice that said, "You could never lay tiles that perfectly." 

I was like, "Oh my God.  Seriously?  I don't even have any interest in doing tiles.  That's the first thing I wake up to??"  That's when I first got the whole inner critic idea.  We all have a malicious voice inside us, criticizing us in the background, in our unconscious, that we can barely hear.  It takes time and attention to dig it up so we can notice it enough to let it dissolve.

So anyway, what I did notice this morning upon waking up, was sadness.  I didn't let it in consciously, but I was aware of the door being nudged open, like Donkey letting himself into Shrek's house, and just spreading himself out on his favorite chair, and saying "What's for breakfast?".  It was like sadness just came in without knocking and spread itself out inside my chest.  So I was like "WTF.  I didn't invite you in here."  Of course, you can't kick a feeling out, but you can notice it and let it pass through.  Acknowledging the presence of an emotion is often enough.

By self-observation every morning, we can get to the point where our core feeling has to knock first, and we get to guage if we even need its presence to feel "right".  We know the technical answer is no, but where we're at in our spiritual journey and what we know to be true can be two different things.