This morning I was reading this account from Gurdjieff student Kathryn Hulme who, along with some other of his students, were taken to a casino to observe human behavior and given money to gamble with. The “lesson” was to observe people who were slaves to their appetites. I think she captured her lesson well in her self-observation:
I understood something more as soon as I placed my first bet. My objective eye almost ceased to function. I fought not to identify with my lonely chip standing rashly on a single number; but I watched it, as the zombies around me were watching theirs, as if it was a piece of myself laid out there on the green baize. We will not identify, I commanded silently. I felt a slight perspiration break out on my forehead when the croupier swept in my losing chip. I tried to tell myself that this was because I was gambling with Gurdjieff’s money (which I madly hoped to quintuple at least) but I knew in my inner world that only a hairsbreadth of self-possession separated me from my green-faced neighbors around the table, reflecting the baize at which they stared.
Kathryn Hulme
However, I felt it was a little harsh to call these people zombies and green-faced neighbors, as the whole point of the exercise is that we are them. Anyone who has wrestled with an addiction- and the addiction of our ego counts- has compassion on other people who are addicted, and besides, you can still eek towards an awareness of your craving while you’re betting- you can feel the need in your body for a win if you stick with the intention to arrive at the body long enough- so it’s not like gamblers are necessarily dead.
Anyway, I was doing another task this afternoon where I had to fill in a coaching intake form for an Enneagram school, and I found myself wrting that I understand my responsibility towards self-observation (and granted, how little I do this), but conversely, the more I observe the self as a machine, the more I also see myself as being in a machine as well. While I’m an Enneagrammer, I’m also an Astrologer and I recently sat through a lecture on the new technique called Zodiacal Releasing, which shows in breathtaking- almost sinister- clarity how pre-determined our lives are. But even before learning ZR, I observed my chart acting mechanically on my life regardless of what I did, how much hope I had or how cheerful I was in executing the action. Over time, my horror has become less associated with people acting out their mechanicalness in the proverbial casino and more with people who brag about their accomplishments, who say with smugness that their decisions and hard work are what led them to their success. Fully grown adults who have the illusion of free will are what give me the creeps- I mean, I give lee-way to busy parents who don’t have time to ponder why things happen the way they do, but I do wonder about adults who by their forties or fifties haven’t picked up on the fact that they have certain emotional, mental and instinctual patterns that are beyond the scope of their power. Given how my life was gone, I feel like I was a priveleged, white 20-something girl in a previous life who thought her life mission was to tell others that if they just think positively, their problems will cease, while at the same time, I was probably shaming people who were suffering and attributing it to their attitude. That karma seems to fit into the shape of my life.
Do I understand that thoughts and words are sacred and have meaning, and we should be mindful of the intentions we articulate? 100%. Do I believe that positive thoughts are the driving force behind the unfolding of events in the universe? No I do not, sometimes- most often, I believe- fate acts on our lives in ways we can’t control. But we do have some control over our waking up work, and I believe that’s why we’re put on this earth.
I hope in my astrology practice, I never make someone feel unduly responsible for what they can’t control. I hope I provide a good balance of compassion and insight. I hope my work provides people with hope, clarity and practical guidance.