I see a lot of young people online worrying about their Saturn return, and then conversely a lot of people in the comments poohpoohing it and reassuring them they’ll be fine. I think it’s both worse than commenters are saying, and better than young people are fearing. In this post I’m going to describe mine, the good that came out of it, and then list the things that helped me get through it.
Granted, there are people whose Saturn Returns are absolutely devastating; for example, they or someone important in their lives might die, or become disabled or contract a terrible disease, and I certainly make space for that suffering in the circle of possibilities. Then on the other end of the scale, there are those whose worst experience is the stress of taking their CFA exams while making a decent living at a financial firm, and then buying a house and getting engaged to their beautiful, long-legged significant other at the end of it. Somewhere in the middle, if the hell is contained to an existential emotional state, then I really do feel like it’s possible to experience hell. Mine involved depression and desperation about the meaning and significance of my life. I do thank the heavens that I survived and in retrospect, I came out more responsible for myself, with a clearer vision of my strengths, boundaries, and identity. In addition, I received a goodie bag of surprisingly really nice things too, for which I am still grateful to this day.
To give context, I have a particularly difficult Saturn. The planet of discipline is conjunct the intense North Node and angry Lilith on the MC in my chart, the angular placement of which already amplifies its intensity. Plus he squares my Mars, which also happens to be my Ascendant ruler.
Those who are studying astrology know that Saturn square Mars natally is one of the most frustrating aspects to have, so when he returned to his original place in my birth chart, I was experiencing frustration on overdrive, and because Saturn is on my MC, the focus was mainly to do with my career and where I was going in life.
Here’s a list of what I went through, with the corresponding good outcome:
– Depression. Through that, I ended up developing an interest in becoming a nun, and one weekend, attended a workshop at a monastery on the Enneagram, an ancient psycho-spiritual system that helped me understand my inner world with breath-taking clarity, that still gives me insights into my soul to this day, 15 years later. I would not be where I am today without the Enneagram and I’m grateful for the suffering that led me to it. This was also my first foray into Astrology.
– Scream crying at the dead-endedness of my career and that my life wasn’t turning out as I’d imagined. My Saturn Return was a big mourning process for the high-flying life I thought I was going to lead. I did take some important first steps toward self-employment at that time, although I didn’t realize how valuable they were back then.
– Cutting off all my hair with kitchen scissors in desperation of feeling like my life wasn’t going anywhere. Although I dyed it platinum blonde and it actually ended up looking really good and it helped me understand my “look” better for future haircuts.
– This was the big one: having a super stressful job. Although I was able to pay off my student loans with it, and I did get offered a permanent position (meaning career stability, pension- it’s good news!), but I turned it down because, as per point 2 above, I thought I’d have a way more interesting and important career by then, and I ended up quitting shortly thereafter.
– I actually met my first boyfriend at 29 and he broke up with me after 3 months, which was insanely hard. Although then I found someone else.
– I also left my religion and I consider that one of the best decisions of my life. Although a more spiritual form of my religion helped me through it and served as a gentle off-ramp out of my conservative beliefs (a Jesuit approach to christianity).
– I started a pretty intense diet that only lasted for six months but it helped me clear up lifelong acne and helped me understand healthy eating better, and one of those healthy eating routines is still in place to this day.
– One thing that I’m still working on is that my relationship with my siblings started changing over the course of the next ten years to the point that I barely recognize it looking back. The road to understanding and unpacking that is still a Saturnian one, but a different approach this time, and I’m getting some interesting insights from who else? but Saturn.
Your Saturn Return may or may not change the fabric of your very being. If it gets pretty difficult, here are some things that will help:
- Invest in journals and pens because you will find that journalling is a subtle, yet powerful way to understand and process your difficult emotions.
2. Learn what your type is in the Enneagram. The Enneagram will help you tease apart the inner ball of knots around what you are responsible for, and what you can let go of. It’s an emotional intelligence development system specific to your personality type that helps gives you a big hug and tells you you’re not crazy, but in a very deep and almost inarticulateably profound way.
3. Get at least one astrological reading from a wise astrologer. I once heard someone say that if you want to lose weight, buy a full-length mirror, which is to say, if you want to tackle a problem, make sure you can see the whole problem, and astrology gives you a big picture view of the theatre of war within you: which archtypes fighting, where, and for what.
3. Get a copy of St John of the Cross’s book, Dark Night of the Soul, or whatever is your belief system’s version of that book. It will be a comfort, knowing that you’re not the only one in history experiencing the crushingly lonely feeling of being abandoned by God.
4. Optional: Figure out which god(s) you’re going to pray to. I say this kind of in jest, but suffering often leads us to develop a spiritual side. Even after leaving the church, I’ve found prayer comforting in the sense that it focuses your will and helps you direct an articulation of what you’re wanting and needing toward an archetype who, I do believe “hears” us to some extent, and can send insight. Hopefully you will find some wise and capable guides, god, planet, ancestor or otherwise. If you’re not a Christian, there are other spiritual beings out there. For example, I had a colleague recently tell me he communicates with Athena, the ancient Greek goddess of wisdom, strategy, and war, and he said in order to communicate with her, he advises to set an intention facing west, sacrifice one of your comforts on Saturdays, and study diligently.
5. Reach out for help. Spiritual directors, astrologers, a Buddhist practice, psychologists and psychotherapists, a yoga practice, parents, Enneagram coaches; whoever you trust- find someone who supports you and knows the road ahead a bit more than you do.
Sending my best to the young people out there who are experiencing your Saturn Return: you will become a stronger and better person because of what you’re going through now.